Most of the time I feel like a failure
This cartoon below sums up how my mind can often work:
It is something that we should be able to laugh at but I want to use the above cartoon to raise an important point.
When I don’t succeed at a small task, before you know it I’m a ball of self-hate wishing I wasn’t in the world.
The cartoon helps illustrate the absurdity.
It’s something small, don’t sweat it is what the brain should say.
But should is such a horrid word.
I should be able to get dressed and out of bed today.
I should be able to concentrate on reading today.
I should be able to work today.
I should be able to do this.
It’s a horrible word.
Why should I?
Whose expectations am I trying to live up to?
Sadly they’re my own.
I’m my own enemy.
It often feels like I’m locked in this epic battle with my own mind. Wanting to do this list of things and not being able to because my own mind is stopping me.
It’s frustrating, it’s tear-inducing, and it makes me angry.
Apart from I don’t get angry.
I get self-hate-y
I don’t like anger I feel it’s unhealthy.
I’m not in a healthy place as it is.
Self-hate-y harms no one else but me.
And in my mind I’m a failure and not worth much.