I’ve talked before on this blog about my anxieties and how they affect me generally.
Normally I can find a way to tune out most of the worst of it, but recently something happened that caused me to lose faith in myself and others.
I found out the hard way what it was like to have your trust betrayed by someone I thought I could trust last week.
As a person with social anxiety I find it hard to trust people anyway but after several years and some quite deep conversations with this person, I thought I could open up.
The situation arose from comments to this person from a parent at the group where I volunteer.
This person has also been helping me to keep the group going during a shortage of help. The parent had noticed some of my coping strategies (retreating to the relative safety of the kitchen has been fine previously when I’ve been feeling a bit anxious, but as I have had to step up and be much more of the front man in organising things and running nights, which is so much more stressful, it’s not so good).
It’s a fair observation and I have no problems admitting it as it helps me.
So I decided it would be a good time to be honest about my anxiety and why I felt the need to retreat every now and again. I told her about the anxiety issue and she said we could work on it and she would help me to keep an eye on the issue.
What I found out the following week was that she had also used this information to try and justify my behaviour.
She actually took my anxieties and spread it to the parent of a child who I work with. This information was then passed on to at least one other person, the wife of another helper at the group, who then passed it back to me (I don’t know how far this information was actually spread beyond this).
So my immediate reaction is great, now everyone thinks I’m crazy and not fit to look after their kids.
I confronted this person, and she said she passed it on in order to help the parent understand why I do these things and also to point out that it is a direct action of us not having enough help.
While this is a fair point, I was quick to point out that for most people no matter how you write down or explain mental health issues…they look bad, especially when you’re in a position of responsibility. She did apologise for what she had done.
As a very single guy who works with young kids voluntarily, you always wonder what people think of you but I can get past that. Throw in mental health issues, even ones like mine that are relatively mild compared to some…and I’ve been worried about what people think.
So I already had a low mood and this then sunk very much lower quite quickly after this.
I didn’t want to trust anyone again, and I just hated people in general. This low mood has haunted me for some time as a result.
At the time I just wanted to quit, I wanted to know why these people felt that they had to betray me like this and pass on such sensitive information.
I decided not to ask in the end though. I guess there is no real positive I can take from this story other than the fact that I will try and push on…. because I still feel bad and I’m worried something will happen as a result of it.
I hope the person who I thought I could trust would learn not to pass on information like that in future, but I guess I’ll never know.
Please note that anonymous guest blogs have a featured image to associate it with the same person. If you want to find more blogs by this guest blogger look for the football photo on previous posts.